16 Days – Angharad’s* Story
The Office for National Statistics reports that – in England and Wales - police flagged 889,441 recorded offences as domestic abuse-related in the year ending March 2023 which is a 14% increase on the number recorded in the year ending March 2020.
That includes almost 33,000 sexual offences flagged as domestic abuse-related in the year ending March 2023, which is a 32% increase compared with the year ending March 2020.
One in four women face domestic abuse at some point in their lives, and disabled women are twice as likely to experience abuse than a non-disabled woman.
Behind these statistics are real people.
At the Wrekin Housing Group, we are committed to changing any behaviour and culture that leads to abuse and violence against female employees and customers.
We have spent the White Ribbon and the 16 Days campaign highlighting the work that we, along with our partners, do to support survivors of domestic abuse.
One brave member of Wrekin’s staff has also agreed to share her story
Angharad’s * story demonstrates why we all need to make a stand to end all violence against women and girls.
*Name has been changed
“To look at me most people would see a confident, successful, well put together woman who has done well in her career, has many friends and enjoys an abundant social life. Living her best life as the phrase goes! However, it hasn’t always been that way. Behind the smile and bravado there is a much darker history, another version of me that has long since been buried who I now considered to be gone.
"For the purposes of this story, I will refer to the current me as ‘I or me’ and the older/gone version I will use ‘her or she’ This has been how I have compartmentalised what I went through and enabled me to move on and be the person who you all see today.
“She came from a nice family, they were all very close and she wanted for nothing growing up. Fond memories. She also had many friends who regularly went out together.
“She was 17 when she met him. Thought she was mature, grown up and him being 2 years older was quite exciting. She thought she was happy, for a short while and then it all changed.
“She didn’t really see what was happening until it was too late. Having never experienced it she had no idea what abuse was or the many faces it had.
“The control began almost immediately. He would tell her that she was ‘different’ when she’d been with friends or family and so slowly she started distancing herself from them all because that was just easier and was quite sweet that he wanted her all to himself. Right?!.
“They bought a house together. That is when things really started to get bad.
“She wasn’t allowed to wear make-up, do her hair or wear nice clothes as obviously that meant she was trying to impress someone at work so she stopped doing all of those things just to prevent any confrontations. She had to pray every day that there were no problems with traffic because if she was one minute late getting home of course that meant she was seeing someone else.
“He started to tell her that she was fat and ugly and when someone that is supposed to love you tells you that every single day then it starts to take effect and therefore must be true. Her confidence was chipped away bit by bit, everything she did was wrong even when it wasn’t and she found herself constantly apologising. Apart from him, she was completely alone in the world and had lost her own identity. His control was now complete.
“The physical violence then really escalated. He would create arguments over nothing, she hadn’t washed his socks, tea wasn’t ready on time, trivial things but it was just another reason to put her down. I’ll be honest I don’t remember any specific incidents as the human brain is very clever and has a way of deleting things it doesn’t want you to recall. But I do remember certain things he put me through. Some feelings you just cannot erase!
“It started with kicks and punches, bruises were always in a place that couldn’t be seen. For this she was actually thankful as she could easily hide them under her clothes and avoid any awkward questions.
“They decided to get married. In her young and naïve brain, she honestly thought this would fix things. Surely if she was his wife he would trust her and this would all stop?
“The day of the wedding came and as her dad was giving her away he asked her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to do this. Much as she had been isolated from her family her dad clearly knew she wasn’t happy and that something was very wrong. She had never wanted to shout from the rooftops or run away so much in her life but at that precise moment it was too late and she was much too scared to back out now. So, she mustered all her strength and went through with it. She was 21 years old.
“This did not fix anything. She was now more trapped than ever and the violence continued to get worse week on week. Beatings got heavier, bruises in more visible places, he once even bit her face then punched her for crying. She had to try and cover this up but people still noticed which meant she then had to lie about what had happened. Covering for him. Why you may ask? Because she deserved it. She never did anything right, she was ugly and fat, he was only with her because he felt sorry for her.
“One time he took a baseball bat to her back, he threw her down the stairs, strangled her until she blacked out, he broke bones but she wasn’t allowed to go to hospital. He even snapped the handle off the inside of the cupboard under the stairs and used to shut her in as she was scared of the dark. (Harry Potter still gives me anxiety). The sexual violence also increased; she couldn’t say no because what would he do to her? She was his wife and it was his right. She contemplated suicide many times as it was the only way she could see a way out. But she wasn’t going to let him win.
“She created a ‘dream’ life in her head. It was a place she went to when things got really bad. She had a lovely house, a good job, many friends and family, animals and of course she was slim and beautiful. Things she didn’t have that were purely pie in the sky. Funny though this is the exact life I have now, real current me. Everything old me could only dream about. This makes me beyond grateful every single day. I have no one to thank for this, just me, I am strong. She was strong, she escaped!
“She was 25 by this point. She was constantly surprised that she was still alive as the threats to her and also her family if she ever left were getting more and more serious.
“One day though she suddenly found a strength from somewhere within that she didn’t know existed. She realised that if she left he may kill her but if she stayed then it was even more likely.
“So she packed a bag of some clothes and a few essentials and she hid it in a secret place. She was planning to go when he was at work. However, he started an argument that Saturday night. The beatings began and she thought this is my chance, I need to get out now. She managed to open the front door before he could stop her and she ran, literally for her life. The freedom of being outside was overwhelming and the realisation that he wouldn’t do anything at all as someone could see or hear was like a weight off her shoulders. Her strength soared.
“She forgot her bag; no way was she going back for it. She didn’t care if she had absolutely nothing. She walked in the dark rainy night on her own. Some people would have been scared but for her the worst monster was at home, nothing out there could be any worse. True to form he started driving round looking for her to take her home before she got to tell anyone but she was too clever for that, she saw the car and hid until it had gone.
“She made it to her parents in the middle of the night, a black eye, a lump on her head, tears streaming down her face and finally poured out what she had been through for the last 7 years. The relief was immense and to have the support of her family again meant the world.
“She had been through so much at only 25, she was finally free but this was only the start of the battle. Bruises heal but the mental scarring is far harder to deal with and get past. Obviously, he didn’t go away easily but with the continued support she had around her and her ever growing confidence and strength she was able to stand up to him and he didn’t scare her anymore. She had finally taken back the control.
“This was the start of the rest of MY life. A chance to start afresh and create a future that I wanted.
“I had to rebuild relationships with friends and family, they were all amazing and I absolutely couldn’t have got through it without them. Once I started talking to those close to me about what I’d been through it was quite shocking how many others had been through or knew someone that had been in similar situations. For all those years I thought it was just me and me alone.
“I am in my 50s now. It has not been an easy road to where I am but I am incredibly proud of everything I have achieved and of the life I now have.”
Angharad added: “I wanted to share this story to raise awareness and encourage people to talk about domestic abuse. It happens in many households regardless of gender, race, class, looks, intelligence, religion. It has no prejudice.
“I am a survivor; I have lived through it as have many others and have come out the other side. If I can be an inspiration to one person or help enable someone to open up about their own situation then it will be worth it.
“I am happy to talk to anyone if they want someone to listen or even just to share experiences. Never be afraid to reach out, there is always help and support.
“Together we are stronger.”
10th December 2023